Last time I blogged I was in a very dark place.
I’m still not in the best of places but I’m feeling slightly better.
The week got more disastrous after that post. On Tuesday I went on a visit to find a school in the community and TWO Sat Nav’s failed to get me to where I needed to be. I’d already been driving for 2 hours at this point and then I had to drive 2 hours back. I ended up going home. It broke me.
On Wednesday I was due to return to Scotland. I had a visit in Lincoln at 1.30PM and I was so excited because I’d be able to get away at 2.30 and be back in Scotland by 6.30!
Instead I had one of the worst journeys I’ve ever had. Obviously not as bad as the journey for the people in the crash that shut the A1, but I ended up detouring around Yorkshire and at 8.30 I had my mental breakdown. 90 minutes from home.
My triggers for my epilepsy were lining up and as the sun was setting; there was lots of flickering of light in my eyes. Although this has never caused a seizure for me, I am photosensitivite and it could have done. I pulled onto the hard shoulder and wept.
Fortunately I was only 1 mile from the services and I pulled in. My wonderful parents insisted I book into the hotel on site (they paid) and Tim travelled down to spend the night with me. If nothing else, I am more than blessed by the people I have around me.
We finished the journey Thursday morning and I took last minute annual leave (also my birthday) and didn’t move until about 3PM. I focused on the day and tried to forget about everything else.
Yesterday I logged onto my work emails and started to have heart palpitations for no apparent reason. I decided that was the end.
I had supervision scheduled at 12 and decided to hand my notice in. My mental and physical health are more important than any job. Yes, being unemployed may mean I have to wait a few more years for buying my first house, and I can only assume that there will be a reason for this.
I’ve always judged my brother for walking out of jobs with his mental health. I’ve always considered it a very irrational move. However, now I’ve experienced it, I can see why. Just one more day will finish you off. So to my brother…. I’m sorry for not understanding.
I can’t say this is how I wanted to celebrate my 31st birthday but it is what it is. I’ve worked out most of the scenarios that can play out, and even our worst case could be a lot worse.
So what’s my plan?
Prior to this I had signed up to a do a course in Nutrition and Weight Management and I will continue to do this. That starts Monday and I can’t wait to start!
I’m also going to work my week’s notice and tie up all loose ends there.
Longer term, I’m going to try to use the nutrition stuff to go self employed. I will be doing the programme myself to see if it works (if that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is!)
Obviously I’m going to need a job in the mean time, so I’m going to give myself a few days to heal before I start looking and applying. I’m going to be doing lots of yoga to calm and stretch the giant knot of muscles I currently possess (aka my body).
Something had to give. I was in such a rut with my mental health that no job is worth it.
I’m not sure I’ll stick in my profession as an OT. People keep saying it will be such a loss, which is very kind, but my happiness is worth more to me. We only have one life. I can use the skills in other roles if needs be, but I’m investing a lot and getting little in return.