I have been desperately trying to stay as positive as I can recently, but today I’m struggling.
To be honest, I know people go even lower than I am but today the feelings of disappointment, anger and failure are real to me.
I’ve discussed it before but I have always had a strong internal drive to succeed and be self sufficient. And I am failing. Big time.
I have worked for the past 10 years in my field. I have endured seizures to obtain my Masters to get to where I thought I needed to be. I have got myself in more debt by paying out for 88 miles of petrol per day when earning basic wages to gain experience in the field of OT and now I am stuck. Stuck in a job where I have spent £335 on diesel in the past 5 weeks and the only mileage I am being paid for is £35. Between travel time and mileage, I am reducing my hourly rate by £5 per hour. I am sacrificing my happiness, my marriage, my friendships and my future (now unobtainable house) for what?!
My savings for my house deposit are about to drop by £2000 when I walk out of my job. I was really hoping to buy my first property at the start of next year.
Yes it’s all money. But my vow to myself was that I’d be ‘comfortable’. Enough to cover the bills and go out for dinner once in a while. Is that really too much to ask?
It appears yes it is and my heart is breaking.